All The Best For Twenty 14!

Dear readers, I would like to take this opportunity to wish you a happy 2014! May it be a glorious and fabulous year for all of us. Hope the wish is not too late. But as we always say, "Better late than never", so I guess it is still acceptable ;)

I have to admit that I have been missing pretty long this time. I was kind of 'handicapped' without my notebook, which I unintentionally left at my home town few weeks ago. Very smart of me. Writing and blogging using smart phone just doesn't work for me at all. Plus, I was away on holiday. So I have to wait for my kind sister to bring it back to KL and hence, this post that I'm writing now celebrates its arrival. Happiness!

I'm supposed to write few posts earlier but the absence of my notebook had delayed it. Do wait for the posts :) I can't wait to write about it too!

Last but not least, have a blast in 2014 ;)

May the force be with us, for 2014 and onwards! (Image taken from: www.wallpapergang.com)

Jar Full Of Hearts

Dear readers, if you still remember, I conducted a simple survey last month - Do You Believe Love At First Sight? I personally would like to thank to those who participated in the survey. Not that many but still, the responses were precious to me. Thanks so much for taking your time to answer :)

I should have written about this once the survey ended but I was occupied with other commitments. But not to worry, the survey will not go to waste for sure. I indeed intend to write about it, and who doesn't love the subject of love? *dreamy mode*

Phrases like "love is in the air", "love is blind" and "till death do us part" show that how love greatly impact us as human beings. We cannot live without love, as how we cannot live without air. I am not surprised if some may snort upon reading this statement with expression like "How cheesy. I can live without love and I'm independent" or in Malay "Eeeii geli lah baca ayat dia ni, macam poyo jer! Mencik!". Well, ok let me ask you this. Weren't you born from love? *making 'duh!' face*

So when more respondents declared 'Yes' as the answer for the survey question, I was in awe. Wow. Seriously, I envy you guys. You guys must have met the love of your life in a glance with full of love! How amazing.

Not to mock my fellow readers who answered 'Yes' because I truly respect your life choices, but it is just different for me. I personally do not believe in love at first sight. Well, to have crush on someone at first sight is possible but love? 

I believe I had my first crush when I was very, very little (around 5 years old). Very young huh? Yes, I thought the same too but it just happened and it was nothing anyway. I remembered I followed my mum to one of our neighbour's house. While my mum was chatting with our lady neighbour, I noticed her son was sitting on a bench in front of the house, reading a book diligently. He was in high school I guess. With pleasant facial features, proper combed hair, spectacles and a book in his hands, I have no idea why but I was just mesmerised with the whole visual. I couldn't stop staring at him. He probably noticed that I kept staring at him which after a while, he looked at me, had a second pause and gently smiled! Oh that feeling. Can you imagine? My heart melted immediately. I blushed and felt embarrassed after that for my action. I just smiled sheepishly to him in return. 


That was the only memory I had about this person and we have not met after that until about two years ago when I saw him at our neighbourhood. I just looked from far. He didn't notice me and I was very sure he did not remember me at all. It's alright. I was not hurt at all. Well, after not seeing this person for decades, let's just say he looked irrelevant to what I first saw when I was 5. I quietly smiled to myself but deep inside my heart, I was laughing out loud wondering what was I thinking back then??? But hey, in my defence, he looked pretty descent and quite good looking when he was young.

So yes, that is my little crush story. I had relationship which began with crush before, but it didn't last long. We separated and moved on with our lives afterwards. The truth is, I have never experienced love at first sight. I don't know how it feels like. So readers, is it fair for me to say that I do not believe in it because I have not experience it? Or is it because of my unsuccessful experience with crush-to-relationship that made me sort of denying it? In fact, based from this experience, I had actually make a point to really know someone well or be friends with the person first before moving on to the next level of relationship.

To me, the world is like one big jar with billions of heart shapes in it. The heart shapes represent us, the human beings. It comes in various pink-reddish shades and tones. The sweet pink represents normal feeling, either waiting or seeking for love. The hot pink represents the beginning of love with much fondness of the partner. Flaming red represents the feeling of passionately in love. The ultimate feeling of true love.

Nevertheless, in between the billions of vibrant heart shapes, there are also pale pink hearts, which represent sadness or loneliness. The heart shapes broken into two, which mean the heart-broken feeling. Don't be surprised to come across with black hearts too, which represent total hatred or resentment.

It is just one unique jar with various colours of heart shapes. Pretty subjective to describe everything in it. It is intense with different level of emotions.


Although I had made a point to be friends first and etc, I will not lie to myself. There is one tiny part in me feeling curious to know the feeling of falling in love at first sight. Will that ever happen to me?

Maybe it will. Maybe we will get to see another two heart shapes in the jar turning to flaming red from the strike of love at first sight.


Who knows?

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage" - Lao Tzu (Image taken from popchassid.com)

The Lonely Playground

I recently went back to my home town after so long. It felt really good to forget about work for a while and enjoy the moments with loved ones.

"Cik Adik, jom pergi jalan-jalan tengok taman ni, especially dekat playground. Lama giler tak pergi sana," I got my sister to accompany me touring the neighbourhood one late afternoon. I suddenly felt like going to the playground area and wonder what happened to it. I've seen it from far but I've not stepped my foot there for more than 10 years. Nah, at least 15 years. How does it really look like now? I tempted to go for closer look.

My sister had warned me earlier that the playground was no longer like how it used to look like. "So be prepared with the 'new look' Aida," I cautioned myself. 

We drove around the neighbourhood and finally reached the playground. I got out from the car and entered the playground to look closely. Thanks to my sister's early warning, I was less shocked to see the current condition of the playground.

It was absolutely different. Instead of the soft, sandy surface, grasses are wildly outgrowing the whole area. The swings are upside down, broken and unfixed. The colourful paints that used to cheer the whole playground and attract the children to come and play had certainly faded. The used-to-be white, clean slides were just too filthy. In conclusion,  the playground is in an abandoned state, wrecking from day to day. 

Every time I go back home, childhood memories will automatically replay in my mind. Where did I generate most of the memories? It was from this playground.

I would like to believe that my sister and I were the first to 'attack' the playground, and we were accompanied by our late grandmother. Don't get me wrong. My late grandmother didn't play the swing nor the seesaw. Since we were just too young to go on our own, she accompanied and monitored us to make sure we were alright. 

I noticed after that, more and more children from the neighbourhood came out to play at the playground. It was normally behind the fence kind of communication or play outside the house, but with the playground, we had the entire space for us to play. How awesome was that? The playground was like the world to us.

Besides playing the swing, seesaw, slide and others, we utilised the space and equipments to play police and thief and 'kejar-kejar' (it is sort of 'catch me if you can' kind of game). It was pretty adventurous back then. The girls played hopscotch, which was pretty cool and less painful since it was on sandy surface. The bigger boys played soccer since there is a field in front of the playground. I also remembered that we had competition on who can swing the highest, jump out from the swing's seat at the highest peak and land while standing (like a gymnast!). Well, I was one of the naughty kiddos who loved to do that! Thank goodness I can still stand and walk normally until today.

In short, the playground was like the ultimate rendezvous for all of the children in the neighbourhood to meet and play. The playground was at its peak of popularity before mid 1990s. 

Yes, that was extremely long, long time ago. Too long that day by day, lesser children came to the playground. And now, there are no children at all seen playing at the playground since the last few years. 

It used to be full of laughters but now it is just so quiet and lonely. Cats and dogs are the new 'residents' of the playground. I guess everyone has grown up and moved on with their lives. The same goes with me. I moved out from my parents house to further my studies and now I am working in the capital city of the country.

I believe most of my childhood neighbours had also left the neighbourhood to pursue their passion and life commitment. Perhaps there are lesser children in the neighbourhood now. Well, if there are anyway, it would probably not be the same. Nowadays, Ipads, tablets, game consoles etc. have become the 'playground' for most children. The art of playing with mates outside the house seems not to be very attractive any more, sadly. 

I left the playground with my sister. As much as I was dismayed to see how abandoned it was, I, however, felt glad that I got a chance to play, used it and created memorable moments from it to be remembered for the rest of my life.

This used to be my playground. It was 'the' playground and it was a happy one. 

But now, it is nothing more than a lonely playground. The wind that blew the dried leaves away ratified it.

Darkness And A String Of Faith

Hello readers, I realised that it has been awhile since I last wrote on my blog. My apologies, I was really occupied with other tasks that required my full attention. But I have never forgotten about this blog. I miss writing. And I miss communicating to you guys! Rindu giler ok.

Despite being surrounded with tonnes of workload, my office managed to find one good day for a team building session for the whole team. Yes people, team building. Boriiinnggggggg. It was out of KL and at one of the mild forest in Perak. Not that I was very much fond of it, but I participated anyway. "It could be fun perhaps," I tried to convince myself, very hard. My ideal team building would be a great hang out with colleagues for dinner, play some games, great laugh and get to know each other better. Best of all, assign a work project that everyone has to contribute (with no excuse to escape) and let's see how the team members together accomplish the work project. Alas, forest was the main theme for the activities (typical!) and off I went overcoming my deep procrastination of it.

I do not wish to share all activities specifically because I'm sure you guys have an idea what team building activities would normally take place in a such environment. There is only one activity that I would like to share - the 'Night Walk'.

"Ok everyone, gather around and choose a buddy to walk with," the facilitator briefed shortly to all of us. So we looked to the person next to us and were like "hey come, let's walk together". So we happily walked and chatted along the way, thinking it was just a normal night walk with group of people at night after dinner.

The facilitator brought us to a point - the gate to enter to the forest. "Alright now that everyone is here, we are going make a slight change to the plan. You are not going to walk together with your buddy now. You are going to walk alone in the woods. We are going to release one after another, each in between a 5 minutes gap or more," the facilitator briefed further.

We gulped, looking at each other with the expression "Damnit! We were tricked!". It was total darkness, no torch lights or anything provided, except for the string which was attached to trees and stretched out, making it like a route that we need to follow until the end.

"Ladies and gentlemen, you will now walk on your own and your only survival kit is the string. So whatever you do, do not miss the string. Do not let it slip out of your hand. If you do, quickly find it! That string will bring you to the end point of the entire route. So let's begin with the first person," the facilitator instructed.

OMG. We felt like running back to our home and hide ourselves. We waited anxiously for our turn and I was the 11th person in the waiting line.

So, it was finally my turn. I was given the same reminder again before I started my 'journey' in the dark. I then started walking. I was nervous at first but after a while, I could feel the serenity amidst the darkness. The quietness in the woods, echoed with the sounds of crickets added to the tranquillity. I began to enjoy my very own night walk.

That enjoyment somehow got disrupted once in a while when I heard "ehemm ehemm!" in the dark. "Apa pulak tu? Takpe lah, janji tak kacau aku," I calmed myself, comforting myself from the unknown. We were told earlier that the forest used to be the Japanese base camp during the war in Malaya and a number of Japanese army died in there. Thanks for the 'great bedtime' story, Mr Facilitator. I quickly shooed away the thought and continued walking. That is not including the thoughts of encountering 'pets' of the forest like snakes or other creepy creatures. Ok serious tak sanggup nak tulis nama-nama menatang ni.

Nevertheless, at that moment, I became braver. While thanking God for giving this lifetime opportunity, I continuously challenged myself by not giving up easily. I could have just stop in the middle and scream "help! help!" to get out from the woods immediately but no, I walked. I skidded and slid at some point because I could not see anything in the dark, but I got up and continued. "Walking alone in darkness could not be so bad," I thought.

The string. Yes, the string was like oxygen to me. I held tight to it. I was affirmed to not lose it, like how a mother wouldn't lose a sight of her baby. The string was the key to success of the whole journey. Sounds easy to you readers? No, it was not honestly. I hit trees, bushes, branches, name it. There was a time my hair clip got stuck in one of the branches that I had to stop walking and entangled my hair from it. OMG. Dugaan sungguh. And yet, I had to make sure I did not lose the string from my hand while facing these obstacles. 

There was no way for me to put hope in it. I have to put faith instead. There was no other choice. I must have faith that the string will bring me to the final destination. A safe and victorious destination where I will meet everyone again and hear the cheers and laughters of them. "God, please help me. Le me go through this quickly," I prayed inside my heart.

I walked against the darkness with the string on my hand. I began to hear familiar voices. The voices of my colleagues. My heart was pounding with excitement. "Yes! I am almost there!" I whispered happily to myself. I walked with the hope that I would reach quickly but it seemed that the route was even more winding towards the end.

Walk. Faith. Walk. Faith. Walk. Faith. *more nervous*

I finally saw a dim light from far. My heart was filled with joy. I walked fast until the end and was greeted by two trainers and the facilitator. Then, I met my other team mates who reached earlier.

"Yeay, you finally made it!" they cheered upon my arrival. I was beaming with joy. What a journey I thought. I relaxed and reflected the adventurous walk I had. 

Faith brought me to the end of the journey. Faith had led me throughout the way. And faith had actually kept me safe.

Just total darkness and a piece of string made me realised that.

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that" - Martin Luther King, Jr. Image taken from: http://www.layoutsparks.com

P/S: There are few days left until the survey 'Do you believe love at first sight?' is officially closed. To those of you have not participated, it would be great if you can click your answer :) To those of you have answered, thank you for participating!

Finding Peace In Kindness

Besides my own writing, I do actually like to visit other people's blog to read their piece of mind or their life experience. I like to read what do these bloggers think of an issue, how do they feel about something, how they react to surprises or what excites them in life. I may not totally agree with their views sometimes, but hey, that makes us unique and special as a human being. Each and everyone of us have our very own thought flows and pool of emotions that match uniquely with our desires, life encounters and destiny.

I came across to this topic 'Random Acts of Kindness' (RAoK) in few blogs that I visited. There are also announcements in radio about it lately. I have heard of it and did it for sure, but reading about it made me stop and really think about it. Have I done enough RAoK lately?

Wikipedia defines RAoK as a selfless act performed by a person or people wishing to either assist or cheer up an individual person or people. It is believed that this phrase was sired by Anne Herbert, an American writer that promoted practice of kindness in general.

Back to my story, after reading about RAoK, I sat back and thought what RAoK had I done on that day? Really readers, it took me a while to figure out.

Before I started my career, RAoK was something that used to be pretty common for me. However, I realised that since I started working, I was just so engrossed with it that I lack of RAoK. I didn't have time to think about it and I didn't have time to do it. All I care was work. Work, work, work and work! Perform and deliver before deadlines.

Nevertheless, after so many years busy with work, I realised that something was amiss. A part of my inner peace was like, gone? As much as I cheer up myself by hanging out with family and friends, listening to music, watching movies and do all the fun things in general, I knew deep down that there was something else that I did not do much and did not truly comfort me.That is RAoK.

I reminisced the times before which I consistently practised RAoK. It doesn't really require money actually. Simple and cheerful greeting, asking how is the person's day, lending ears and shoulders to those who need it are actually considered as RAoK and no money is required to do that.

Upon reading the article and listening to the radio announcements, I decided to instill this RAoK strongly in me because I know for sure it had worked well for me in the past. I want that sense of peacefulness in me again and RAoK is one of the best ways to do it. 

I finally started to embrace it. A colleague of mine recently did a very well-written report and shared it with the team. My normal self would respond "Oh I saw the email, thanks but I'm kinda busy and will read the report later." Well, I decided to change that. I stopped working for a while, had a quick read on the report and responded to him "Thank you for the report and you did a good job :)" 

That colleague instantly replied "Thank you Aida :D". His reply just made me realised that how appreciative he was when someone actually acknowledges his effort. He was very happy, but more importantly, I felt really happy for making this colleague of mine happy that it increases my inner peace by 10 points! Immediately. Did I have to fork out some cash to make this person happy? No. I just spent less than 5 minutes of my time to make that happened. Did I lose anything with that very few minutes I spent? No. Instead, I feel I'm a better person with a bigger heart and have a total peace in my mind and heart. Amazing. Why didn't I continue doing this from last time??? *pinches self*

Since then, I encouraged myself to do more RAoK. I want that old self of mine that I used to be. Instead of looking empty when passing by other people, especially strangers, I acknowledge their presence by smiling to them. Guess what, they smiled back at me! From their original flat, emotionless expression earlier. Now you have two people who are unknown to each other but feel happier and better about themselves. Isn't it great? 

There are plenty of ways to do RAoK and I'm very thankful that I have been given the opportunities to practice RAoK whenever I can and able to do it. I try to make it at least once a day. Alhamdulillah, I had a chance to do it again today. I was driving and while queueing in the lane, there was this family with small children wanted to cross the other side of the road. All other cars passed by and did not give a chance to them to cross over. When it was my turn, I was like "what the heck, it's not like I'm rushing for anything". So I stopped my car and let the whole family walked across the road safely. The father smiled and waved at me signalling 'thank you'. That gesture just made my day. I can feel that I am coming back to the sense of tranquillity that I used to have. 

I remembered there was one time that I was so upset over something happened that my tears couldn't stop flowing. I was in a train at that time and was drowned with my own emotion. But I got a good surprise despite in sadness. There was this very nice lady handed me a tissue to wipe my tears. She did that as if she understood what I was going through. Honestly, I thought that was the best RAoK from a stranger to me. Unforgettable indeed.

I am smiling to myself right now. I guess life is not just about work only. Jangan asyik busy buat kerja jer ok.  Or busy buat-buat tak tau. Toleh-toleh and pandang-pandang la kiri kanan and smile. Tu pun kira buat pahala jugak :)

Let's make our world a greater place to live with RAoK.

"When we feel love and kindness toward others, it not only makes others feel loved and cared for, but it helps us also to develop inner happiness and peace" - The 14th Dalai Lama (1935). Image taken from createavity.com

P/S: Starting from this month, I will run fun polls (I do hope it is fun to you!) to get readers' opinion on issues, trends or just anything.  I am currently running a poll 'Do you believe love at first sight?', which you can find on the left sidebar. This poll will go on for two weeks from now. I truly appreciate if you could spent a few seconds to answer and participate in this poll. It is kinda fun to find out what do most people think of it :) thanks!

In Need Of Bowel Reminder?

Dear readers, I went for car servicing on one weekend. While waiting for my car to be serviced, I walked to the restroom of the service centre. Quite clean and comfortable to use I thought until I saw this notice:

Seriously, toilet memo? I always thought memo is only meant for office and business purposes, but it turns out that toilets too have 'business' of its own. For anonymity purpose, I decided to erase the name, designation and organisation of the particular person who issued the memo. Funny as it is, I however thought that this person had done a good job in ensuring the entire premise is clean, well done!

Now the question is back to us. Why is it that this particular company would have possibly issued such memo to remind us how to use toilet? Don't you think it is sad?

"Ala, ni sure pendatang asing punya kerja ni buat toilet kotor," I'm sure that would first cross our mind when we encounter this kind of issue. We prefer to blame other people instead.

To be fair, I surveyed the whole place to see if they have foreign workers there but I can assure you there was none! The employees are local, as well as the customers. Anyway, I don't expect to see this group of foreigners there since I don't think majority of them own this car. Proton pun belum tentu lagi.

I don't know about you but this bothers me. What's wrong with us? After decades of independence, rapid growth and economic development, the culture and mindset of the majority doesn't seem to parallel with the paradigm shift. Look and read the notice below. I seriously couldn't help laughing every time I enter this particular wash room at a shopping mall.

Apa ke jadahnya. I mean like, really people? Do we need this reminder? Are we so backward that we need to be taught how to sit properly on the toilet bowl?!! *slaps forehead* Not just that, there are also public service announcements in radio stations to remind us "don't forget to flush", "make sure it's clean like how you want it to be when you enter" and etc. Come on! We cannot be this low, right?

We always wish for change. We crave for it and that is good. It serves the whole purpose of living. We cannot remain constant in life by sitting down, wishing and hoping things will change for the better on its own. Segala kebaikan dan kekayaan turun dari langit dengan begitu sahaja. In your dreams la kak jah oii.

So why not, while aiming for bigger changes to take place in life, let's start with smaller ones like be more hygienic and considerate to other people. Change starts with us, even for the smallest thing. It is not an autopilot process and a little effort is no harm. 

Big change can never take place if we can't even manage the simplest things, such as hygiene. My only hope is that I will not see such 'memos' lying around in wash rooms or hear such radio announcements in future.

Pemikiran yang hebat, pekerti yang hebat dan budaya yang hebat mampu menggerakkan getar hati dan jiwa sesiapa sahaja untuk berbuat baik, hatta hamba yang cetek ilmu sekali pun. 

We can do it. And we should start doing it. Like, now?

Perihal Baju Dan Malu

Petang beransur malam dan aku sedang duduk bersendirian sambil menikmati honey lemon tea di sebuah kafe di pinggir ibu kota. "Mana Azie ni?" desis hati kecilku yang sudah tidak sabar menunggu kedatangan Azie.

Aku merenung ke arah luar. Kelibat manusia yang lalu-lalang di hadapan kedai itu menarik perhatianku. Ada yang berjalan pantas dan terus, tanpa menoleh kiri dan kanan. Ada yang berpasangan sambil romantis berpegangan tangan. Ada yang berjalan dalam kumpulan, bergurau dan disusuli dengan hilai tawa yang riang. Tidak kurang juga, anak-anak kecil yang berlari serta merengek mahukan perhatian mama dan papa mereka.

"Macam-macam!" bisik hatiku melihatkan gelagat manusia-manusia kota. Aku tersenyum simpul. Sedang aku menghirup air, tiba-tiba aku terdengar suara yang aku kenali.

"Sorry sorry! I sampai lambat. Teruk betul jam tadi. Tak sangka pulak teruk sampai macam tu," jelas Azie sambil menarik kerusi dan duduk di hadapanku.

"It's ok. Ingatkan you tak jadi datang. I sikit lagi tadi dah nak balik," ujarku kepada Azie. "Sorry babe, nasib you tak balik terus tadi. I seriously need to talk to you about something," jawab Azie dalam nada yang hampir sayu. "What happened? You pun nampak macam tak happy jer," tanyaku kepada Azie sambil memerhatikan gerak tubuh dan riak wajahnya yang kelihatan kurang ceria, tidak seperti biasa.

"Am I too sexy?" tanya Azie kepadaku secara tiba-tiba. Aku  berasa janggal dengan pertanyaan Azie itu.

"You look fine to me, pretty as always. Kenapa ni? Did something happen?" soal aku kembali kepada Azie sambil cuba mengorek lebih lanjut. Aku bertambah musykil kerana Azie tidak pernah bertanyakan soalan yang sedemikian. Dia seorang yang happy dan confident. Jelas sekali sesuatu telah mengusik hatinya.

"Cuba you baca ni!" Azie terus mengeluarkan sehelai kertas yang dilipat kemas dari tas tangan jenama Coach koleksi Madison miliknya dan hulur kepadaku. Aku lantas mengambilnya dan terus buka untuk membaca isi kandungan kertas tersebut. Rupa-rupanya kertas itu salinan emel yang Azie print dari pejabatnya. Sebahagian emel tersebut berbunyi:

Assalamualaikum w.b.t. Saudari Azie...
Semalam dalam office saya perasan Azie pakai baju 
yang menampakkan sedikit bahagian belakang.
Terus-terang, saya rasa baju tu kurang sesuai untuk 
Azie pakai sebab menampakkan aurat Azie. 
Ia juga seolah-olah membuka aib kita kepada 
orang lain tanpa kita sedari.
...............

"Hmm..so ini ke yang buat you muncung hari ni?" tanya aku. "Mahu taknya? Of course la terasa! Kalau tak banyak pun, at least sikit mesti ada" luah Azie kepadaku.

"I feel you my friend, sabar," pujukku sambil menggosok bahu Azie.

"But you know what yang buat aku lagi terasa and bengang? We walked past each other in the office, and we even spoke about work and stuff yesterday. Yet, she didn't say anything to me! She seemed ok as if nothing happened. I pun tak rasa baju yang I pakai tu seksi pun. I rasa biasa jer."

"Still, if she thinks that it was too sexy or revealing, she could have just come to me and tell me nicely about it. I sarung jer blazer. Kalau orang tegur I baik-baik and ikhlas nak tolong, takkan la I nak marah tak tentu fasal. Ini tak, alih-alih jer dapat emel pagi ni sound orang terus macam tu!" luah Azie lagi dalam nada yang kecewa.

Aku memahami perasaan Azie. Terus aku teringat kisah lama yang pernah terjadi kepada aku beberapa tahun dahulu.

*****

One fine day, I walked to a nearby shop to buy some stationeries. I spent time looking for the items, paid the amount and decided to go back home when there was nothing else on my shopping list. On my way back, I remembered I passed by a girl who was of different race and religion from me. The energy felt pleasant at that particular moment. I continued walking and was twelve steps past her when she suddenly U-turned and stopped me. "What's going on?" I wondered to myself.

"Miss! Miss! Wait! I think your zipper is down!" she cautioned me with such concern and pity. I just froze when she said that. In a slow motion, I looked down in denial. I tried fighting the truth but I was killed by it. As shitty as it was, true enough, my zipper was down, down, down, down....

"Damnnnnnnnnnnnn! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I remembered screaming out loud, although just inside my heart. My heart collapsed, like how the twin towers of KLCC would collapse. Nobody could hear me. Nobody could understand what I was going through at that time.

However, that awful moment only lasted for ten seconds. Yes, just ten seconds. The rest of the time until today, I am totally grateful to that kind girl. I have never forgotten her for this until today although this had happened nearly 10 years ago. She could have just ignored me and let me be in embarrassment for the whole day, or in fact for my whole life but she chose otherwise. There was a humane side of her. She saved me from further humiliation and her quick action was just genuine and sincere. 

That is what I called a gem in a society. Do we see many kind of this people now? Do we?

Would you feel embarrassed or grateful if a stranger comes to you and tell you that your zipper is down? Image taken from www.bizarresigns.com

*****

"Hey you dengar tak apa I cakap tadi? You dah baca emel tu sampai habis?" kejut Azie yang mungkin melihat aku mengelamun agak lama.

"Huh? Oh sikit lagi nak habis. I baca sekejap," balas aku. Aku terus membaca bait-bait terakhir emel tersebut.

.............
Maaf kalau Azie tersinggung membaca emel ini,
saya cuma ingin menolong dan mengingatkan kita sesama umat.

Ikhlas daripada saudaramu,

XXXXX

Aku terus merenung sepi. Kosong tanpa hati.

Grandma - The Lady With Vision

The nerve-wrecking news finally came. I knew that it was not a good one when my mobile phone rang at 5.30 a.m. with the caller identified as 'Ayah' on the screen. Only on rare occasions that I will get calls at such time, but that has never happened before.

I was half dozy, but I really tried hard to swallow and stomach the news that I was about to hear. Finally dad revealed it. I felt my heart dropped, but it dropped even further when my dad cried out "Nenek kau dah tak ada!" My grandmother passed away on that Monday morning.

"Oh my God, what should I do?" I asked myself after speaking to my dad. I couldn't sleep after that call and after thinking for a while, I decided to go back to dad's 'kampung' (village) for the burial ceremony. My siblings and I just came back from dad's kampung the night before, but I didn't mind going back again. Although my dad had told us we did not have to go back there if anything happened to grandma, I decided to go against his words. I never believed those words. Above all, I really wanted to be there for him because that's what he needed most, moral support and love from his loved ones. So that morning, my siblings and I went back to dad's kampung to pay our last respect to our grandmother.

Grandma or 'Nenek' as we fondly call her is a woman of her own. For a typical Malayan 'kampung' woman who was born in the 1920s, she certainly set her foresight ahead from the rest of the mothers at that time. "Nenek kau ni kalau tak ada wawasan, tak ada la Ayah belajar sampai universiti," I remembered my dad said that for few times when the subject on my grandma was brought up.

Dad told us that life was not easy for grandma, him and family back then. Although dad had to chip in by working very hard at a young age, grandma was determined and ensured that he made it to high school and tertiary education. Since my dad was the eldest son, she had envisioned him to obtain the best education that she could get or send him to. She believed that only education will improve the family's life and dad is her best bet to become the 'agent of change'. She has never mistaken for that one. It will remain forever accurate. Terror betul nenek aku ni.

I knew that deep down, grandma is a source of inspiration to my dad. Due to her very own wisdom and vision that she has set upon my father since young, I believed dad was personally motivated by it when he decided to pursue for his Masters studies. He braved himself to apply for the course and scholarship. He took the challenge and finally, he was awarded with the Masters degree from a US university. I think since then, my dad had somehow became the icon in his kampung for his success.

Nenek, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for giving birth and bringing up a great son and father that I could never ask for. I will not and shall not change it for anything. He is simply the best and when a person is at his or her best, it is due (fully or partly) to the mother.

We may not be like BFFs, but I will never forget your last few words before, "Bila nak kahwin? Cari la yang 'lawa'! Hihihi..." Your naughty tease with that cheeky laugh is pretty memorable until today. Yes Nenek, your granddaughter here is still on the hunt for the handsome (or 'handsome') eligible bachelor. 

May your soul is blessed by the Almighty Allah. Amin.

Kemerdekaan 'For Granted'

Aku gagal. Untuk ke sekian kalinya. Gagal untuk bangkit dari lena malam dan janji manisku kepada diri sendiri untuk merasai gelora patriotisme yang diraikan istimewa pada 31 Ogos.

"Ahh lambat lagi! Macam mana nak pergi ke Dataran Merdeka ni?" getus hatiku ketika bangun dari kamar. Sejujurnya, aku tidak pernah menjejakkan kaki ke mana-mana sambutan kemerdekaan seumur hidupku ini. Jikalau pernah pun, aku tidak mempunyai sebarang memori mengenainya. Mungkin aku terlalu kecil ketika itu.

"Nampak gayanya tak sampai lagi hajat nak merasa celebration merdeka," keluhku dalam hati, seraya memandang ke arah tingkap yang telah mula ditembusi sinaran mentari pagi. Aku bingkas ke bilik mandi untuk membersihkan diri dan bersiap untuk aturcara berikutnya.

Usai bersiap, aku bergegas keluar dan memandu kereta ke pejabat untuk menyelesaikan tugas penting terlebih dahulu. Radiolah peneman setiaku ketika memandu. Aku menekan butang radio bersilih ganti untuk mendengar lagu yang sesuai dengan mood aku ketika itu.  Tatkala aku memutar siaran Mix FM, lagu Sudirman '31 Ogos' sedang berkumandang. Aku tersenyum sendiri dan terasa lebih bersemangat. Lagu itu seolah-olah meredakan perasaan ralatku yang terlepas peluang untuk merasai sendiri sambutan kemerdekaan di Dataran Merdeka. Kenapa aku teringin sangat nak pergi Dataran Merdeka?

"Kau takde kerja ke? And perlu ke nak pergi sana nak celebrate merdeka? Poyo la kau ni." Aku boleh membayangkan kata-kata sinis dan ejekan yang bakal dihamburkan kepada aku kelak. Aku ada jawapan aku tersendiri.

Merdeka. Dari aku kecil sehinggalah sekarang, perkataan itu tidak pernah lekang, baik dari percakapan mahupun penulisan. Ya, aku dilahirkan pada era post independence. Aku tidak mengenali erti kesusahan dan perjuangan untuk mencapai kemerdekaan. Aku tidak tahu perasaan getir atau berani apabila berhadapan dengan musuh-musuh bersenjata dan berperang demi mempertahankan tanah air. Aku tidak pernah merasa jiwa dan mentalku ditujah serta disogok bertalu-talu dengan kata-kata dan semangat patriotik untuk terus bersatu dan berhabis-habisan demi mencapai kemerdekaan nan satu, seperti generasi yang terdahulu. Pendek kata, banyak yang aku tidak tahu. Aku mungkin tahu kronologinya, tetapi aku tidak tahu perasaan-perasaan yang dilalui ketika itu.

Kemerdekaan bagiku dan orang-orang muda kini adalah kemerdekaan for granted. Kemerdekaan yang nikmatnya tersedia ada sebaik sahaja mata ini buat pertama kalinya melihat dunia. Aku cuba untuk menyelami perasaan-perasaan patriotik itu seperti 56 tahun yang lepas. Adakah kehadiran di Dataran Merdeka mampu mengembalikan perasaan itu? Aku tidak pasti tetapi aku fikir tidak salah untuk mencuba. Adakah dengan menghadiri pesta countdown atau ambang kemerdekaan ini membantu untuk menambahkan lagi rasa cinta dan sayangku kepada negara ini?

Fikiran aku melayang jauh. Aku beredar dari pejabat dan terus mencari tempat untuk mengalas perut. Sambil memandu, aku terpandang sepasang kanak-kanak yang memakai baju bercorak bendera Malaysia sedang berjalan ditemani ibu bapa mereka ke arah stesen KTM. Kaget. Aku terus memandu lagi dan akhirnya sampai ke destinasi yang ingin dituju.

Hujan mula membasahi bumi dan aku sedang duduk sambil enak menikmati minuman latte yang dipesan. Fikiran aku terus kembali kepada persolan terakhir. Aku mula mengimbang pro dan kontranya, tetapi nyata aku mempunyai pandangan aku tersendiri. Dentuman dan percikan bunga api yang berwarna-warni sejurus countdown pukul 12.00 tepat tengah malam menandakan 31 Ogos sememangnya menambahkan keceriaan tetapi mungkin belum cukup kuat untuk aku berasa lebih patriotik.

Aku membuat konklusi. Patriotisme aku mungkin bukan terletak pada fizikal atau serupa semangat juang generasi terdahulu. Patriotisme aku lebih bersifatkan rasa prihatin, usaha yang gigih, rasa syukur dan tidak lupa akan jasa pejuang-pejuang kemerdekaan. Aku prihatin dengan orang-orang yang terdekat dan sekelilingku, sama ada waktu senang atau susah. Aku prihatin dengan perkembangan negara walau dalam keadaan apa sekali pun. Aku akan sentiasa gigih berusaha untuk mencapai yang terbaik buat diriku, yang juga boleh mendatangkan kebaikan kepada orang lain dan masyarakat, walaupun ia mungkin tidak segah mana. Aku akan sentiasa beringat dan tidak akan melupakan sewenang-wenangnya segala kesusahan nenek moyangku dalam usaha mereka melepaskan cengkaman kuasa asing ketika itu. I may not be able to change the entire world, but I can improve myself for betterment. Aku akan cuba untuk menjadi aku yang lebih baik daripada sebelum ini. Orang Malaysia yang sebenar.

Ya, kemerdekaan yang ku rasai hari ini kemerdekaan yang for granted but it should not be taken for granted. Aku rasa aku tidak sekuat pejuang-pejuang dan rakyat-rakyat terdahulu yang berkeras dan berjuang habis-habisan menuntut kemerdekaan daripada penjajah. Sementelah mendengar kisah lama nenek ku yang pernah bercerita bahawa wanita-wanita ketika itu terpaksa mencoreng wajah mereka dan berpakaian serbah-serbih supaya tidak 'ditawan' oleh musuh ketika itu. 

"Here is your bill," lamunanku tersentak apabila pelayan warga asing itu menyapaku sambil menghulurkan bil yang perlu ku bayar. Terus aku keluarkan dompet dan membayar jumlah dikehendaki.

Mentari mulai terbit. Aku melangkah keluar dari kedai dengan jiwa yang lebih merdeka. Berada di Dataran Merdeka atau tidak, semangat patriotik dalam diri aku lebih daripada apa yang aku sangkakan, walaupun kemerdekaan yang aku kecapi hari ini kemerdekaan yang for granted. 

Selamat Hari Jadi Malaysia, tanah tumpahnya darahku.

"...merdeka itu bukanlah suatu benda yang mudah boleh didapat, melainkan ialah dikehendaki untuk mendapatkannya itu iaitu pengorbanan yang sebenar pengorbanan." - Tunku Abdul Rahman, Perdana Menteri Malaysia Yang Pertama

My True Solace

We may be rich.
We may be famous.
We may be successful.

But is that our very own true solace?

I'm sure each and everyone of us owns it, some may know it well and some may not realise it all but subconsciously do. And there are also some of us who are still searching for it, which I hope they will discover it. For myself, after years of pursuit, I've never known that it was so close to me. Too close that I've been blind to see it.

I think most of teenagers and young adults would secretly feel relieved and excited when they finally get the offer letter to pursue tertiary education in universities and colleges, or at least the moment you leave your parents' house. Well, that is including myself too, which means away from home, away from parents and freedom! "Yeehaaaa! I am free! Cheers to new life!" my heart was thumping with excitement when I first stepped in to the university. I love my parents and family for sure, but starting a different path of life with less supervision from them would be somewhat interesting to me I thought.

So there. I studied, had happy and jovial times with buddies and besties, graduated with a degree, got a job and started working until now. I have my own life, I face challenges but yet, I am happy with my overall life. Yes, I am happy but deep down, I know that I desire for that one true, pure happiness. The true solace that would give me the ultimate strength to go on with my life.

Whenever I have issues, I speak to my besties about it. I share it with them. They understand me very well, give me advice and the support that I need. I feel a huge relief after that but still, I just do not know why it seemed not enough. "What's next?" I asked myself. Then, I slowly decided to turn to my parents and family,the people that I once find to be lovingly strict with almost anything. When I first thought of pouring out my heart to them, I hesitated immediately. "Should I do that?" I wondered myself. But in the end, I did it anyway.

To my surprise, it was different than what I expected. They understood me and felt the exact way I felt. It was just amazing. It never crossed my mind that the exchange showed their sincere compassion and care towards my living and survival, although I am far away from them.

Now I have the very answer that I seek for. It is not only my sorrow, but also my happiness that lies within the genuine souls, the loving hearts and the sincere smiles of my family. No matter how far I run, I will always be drawn to my family. It is an unbreakable bond and that goes without saying truthfully. 

Nowadays, I cannot wait to go back home to be with my parents, siblings, niece and nephews for get-together. The sharing, the voices, laughters and almost everything that we did together are my life's best remedies. It cannot be replaced with anything else. Blessed with my trusted besties and buddies, I can't describe how meaningful my life is, which I am very thankful. 

Some people may choose money, wealth or success as their true solace, which is fine because everyone has a choice in their life. However, I choose my family over everything. Cliché as it may sound, I however am not ashamed of it.

Ibu, Ayah, the Z's, Qist, Is, Baby Zac and the rest, you are my one true solace.

"Rejoice with your family in the beautiful land of life!" - Albert Einstein

Riang Ria Aidilfitri

Hari Raya this year was one of the best celebrated from my personal opinion. Why? Well, my parents and all my siblings including my niece and nephews were around at home. So that makes a perfect gathering for the whole family! With lots of food and activities, what more can I say right?

Truthfully, the people who actually really rocked my Hari Raya celebration were my niece and nephews. Without them, I think it would definitely be dull and quite boring. The children brought the joy and sparked the delightfulness of the festive itself.

I decided to share photos of my niece and nephews only during our Raya holidays. Well, the Hari Raya was obviously about them! Tunjuk gambar-gambar orang tua ni bosan, sebab semua lebih kurang sama jer hehe.

My "Welcome Back!" drawing for the kids when they arrived. From left: Qist, Is and Baby Zac. Qist hates my drawing of her. Oh well, your aunt is not blessed with a pair of arty-farty hands!

Asyik main Ipad jer orang berdua ni, especially Is! How to pull them away from Ipad???

First trick, ajak buat kuih! Rajin Qist ni, bagus dia tolong Aunty Tzar

Qist makin bersemangat nak tolong aunty-aunty and Tok Ibu dia, so dia tolong prepare untuk berbuka :)

Kanak-kanak riang gembira main bunga api. Lupa terus kat Ipad!

Pose for first day of Hari Raya

Baby Zac pun nak posing gak untuk Raya!

Posing santai

Me with camera: Ok say picnic! Kids: Piiiicccccniiiiiic! 

Dapat kawan-kawan baru, terus berjimba sakan!

From the older generation to the young one. Ibu showing her old, family photo to Qist

Forget about the Ipad. Flying the kite is even more fun! Is learning how to fly the kite

Qist flying the kite high! Ecstatic moment

Qist blowing bubbles away, which attracted other kids as well. So cute!

Lego time! Qist and Aunty Zana pasang strategi. Is tukang tengok jer

Eh Baby Zac pun nak join main lego jugak! Qist terus pening and almost give up nak fikirkan strategi

Happy kids with the final outcome (walhal makcik-makcik kena buli untuk siapkan lego ni, cheh!)

Precious time indeed!

Meaningful Iftar

It's fasting month. A challenging month by day but comes with great rewards, which include the Iftar or breaking fast session when it is dusk. Everyone including myself would look forward to this after a long-day without food and water. And that is just one small test to a humble servant.

To me, it is not just the variety of food that makes my Iftar more meaningful (not that I ate greedily!) this time but the moments I had with my loved ones. It was truly delightful but yet, there was a certain feeling in me that felt the Iftar sessions I had were very important and in need indeed. The food, catch up and laughter, surrounded with pure warmth and happiness filled the gaps that we probably have long missed due to other life commitments and refreshed the intimacy of our bond ties.

The Iftar this time was more meaningful to me too because I decided to do what I had to do. After hugging and preparing to leave for home, I quickly slipped in by saying 'thank you for the friendship' to some of my friends. Some got it in a form of card with that sort of message. This is definitely new to my friends and myself. And because it is very new, the immediate response that I got was "Are you okay?", "Kau ni betul ke tak?" or "Eh kenapa cakap macam ni?". Trust me friends, I am fine and there is nothing wrong with me. And I don't intend to give some sort of signal of what is going to happen to me in future (mudah-mudahan dijauhkan sebarang malapetaka dan bala bencana). 

I just need to say that because that is how much I value our friendship (besides my precious family). I very much treasure the long years of friendship we had and to let time slipped by for our own busyness is just too cruel. Friendship is not to be taken for granted. We may feel it is awkward to say such things to our friends, but what is wrong with that? How often do we get to meet? So this is the least that I could do to remind ourselves and I said it at a perfect time with Syawal coming soon.  

I am probably getting more sentimental but I have no regrets.  May the great bond sides upon us, for the present and future.

Thank you for the friendship, my dearest friends.

“A friend is one that knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still, gently allows you to grow.” ― William Shakespeare